


Lies That Bind Us

by heartsdesire456



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Implied Character Death, M/M, Married Character, Post Avengers (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-07
Updated: 2013-01-07
Packaged: 2017-11-24 02:52:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/629500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint doesn't learn about Agent Coulson's death until several hours after the battle is won. Weeks of knocking around listless and not cleared for duty is hard. Finding out the shocking truth about the lies he was told is much harder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lies That Bind Us

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know the summary sucks .*sigh* It's my curse.
> 
> A few things! Yes, this one has been done to hell and back but there's always room for more. Also, it's pretty obvious why there's no major character death warning. I've never written this pairing before but I really like it so I may do more in the future!
> 
> Don't take it too seriously, it's just a short little fic to get a feel for the pairing. Enjoy!

Clint was still stretching out the soreness in his arms and legs gingerly while they ate, barely paying attention between bites and stretches, when Stark finally broke their exhausted silence. “Man, Pepper is going to be really busted up about Agent,” he murmured, receiving hums of acknowledgement from Steve and Bruce. 

Thor shook his head. “I was not aware she was friends with Son of Coul. I offer the lady pepper my apologies,” he said in a low tone.

Clint however, snapped his head up. “What about Coulson?” he asked quickly only to see Natasha’s head snap up from the corner of his eyes.

Tony opened his mouth and she threw a piece of bread precisely to hit him in the teeth, shutting him up. “Stark-“

“Nobody told you? Loki got him,” Bruce mumbled, then looked up, only to stop when he saw Natasha looking absolutely horrified for the first time that didn’t involve him being big and green.

Clint’s world narrowed to Bruce’s voice and every drop of blood in his body ran cold. “What do you mean ‘got him’?” he asked, voice restrained and face calm, though his mind inside was racing with horror.

Tony glared at Natasha, ignorant to her terrified eyes. “Phil tried to stop Loki head on while we were all busy and Loki killed him,” he said bitterly.

Clint stood up wordlessly, unable to even comprehend Natasha calling his name softly, voice full of sadness, as he strode out of the restaurant- or what was left of it- and pulled out his earpiece, disappearing down the ghostly deserted streets.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Barton was picked up off the street by a SHIELD team- none of them seemed too keen to interact with him so he didn’t know who it was behind the facemasks- and taken back to the helicarrier. It was on the water, thankfully, while repairs were being done. Clint was led into the main control room, where Fury was stationed by the conference table discussing repairs with Agent Hill. He turned and nodded at the men leading Clint to leave him. “Agent Barton,” he started and Clint shook his head, walking over.

“Why didn’t anybody tell me Agent Coulson was dead?” he whispered furiously, shaking from waves of intermingled grief and rage. “It’s been six hours and nobody told me-“

Fury interrupted, voice tinged with warning. “I was going to call you in once you were conscious but you ran off, stole a jet, and took the fight to Loki without needing the motivation of Agent Coulson’s murder.”

Clint saw _red_. “YOU WERE GOING TO USE THE FACT MY HUSBAND HAD BEEN MURDERED TO MOTIVATE ME?!” he screamed, his hardened shell of a secret agent completely shattered.

Fury glared. “Agent Barton, you’re out of line. Calm down-“

Clint snorted. “Fine. Whatever, sir.” He swallowed hard and looked at him. “What are the chances his family gets to have a funeral?”

Fury shook his head. “Memorial service only. Bodies of people with clearance that high…” He trailed off and Clint nodded, a disgusted look on his face.

“Property of SHIELD, I know.” He shook his head, crossing his arms as he looked away, taking in the damage to the room rather than the look on Fury’s face.

“If you’re finished being a jackass, Barton,” Fury added, a hint of sarcasm to his voice. “You can head to medical and then get a transport back to land. You’re off mission until you’re cleared by the Base medical for mental and physical condition. You were compromised. You don’t need to hear me tell you that you have to take some downtime. And as for your… other inconvenience-“

“Oh fuck you, sir,” Clint spat, giving him the ugliest, most disgusted look he could before storming away, ignoring the angry call of his name ordering him back. He stopped on the way to his room on the helicarrier and dug the phone he kept in a pocket inside his boot out, pressing the speed dial for Natasha.

“Clint-“

“Wanna sweet-talk Stark into busting me out of the helicarrier and getting me to land?” he asked, cutting off any further question.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Clint wasn’t surprised that a Stark Industries helicopter was able to just land on the deck of the helicarrier, considering how damaged the ship was. It was probably all too easy for Tony to shut off the communications for just long enough for the helicopter to come into range, land, and take off again without being intercepted. He tossed his bag over his shoulder and ran across the deck, hopping in just as the door opened, surprised to see Stark himself sitting there, still looking pretty dusty and dirty even several hours later.

“Legolas,” he greeted as soon as they cleared the deck, the cabin mysteriously silenced from the cockpit even though it was only a small helicopter, not a luxury craft. 

Clint strapped himself in and cleared his throat. “Where’s Natasha?” 

Stark cringed. “She and Thor are having a drinking contest, actually. Thor insisted that it was a post-battle Asgardian thing but Bruce passed out as soon as we got upstairs, Steve wouldn’t leave the streets helping search and rescue, and I was trying to work out how fucked my tower is or else I’d have joined them,” he clarified. He looked at him. “So… today really sucked.”

Clint winced. “You could say that the last several days have really sucked for me,” he countered quietly.

Tony nodded. “Agent Romanov told me about Coulson. About why you ran out-“

“What?!” Clint turned, eyeing him in shock. “Natasha doesn’t speak. She’s a spy. How did you get her to tell you? She’s trained to withstand torture, you’re just one guy-“

Stark cut him off waving a hand. “I refused to come get you on my dime and time and when she threatened to shoot me, Steve intervened. In the end she followed me around and kept pestering me until I bargained.” He nodded. “She had to tell me why it was so damn important for you to get back now, not when they let you, and she explained in the end. Seemed desperate.” He nodded. “Good thing you have her on your side, Barton. Pretty sure you’re good to go.”

Clint cleared his throat, swallowing around the lump embedded there. “She’s a loyal ally.” He smiled. “A friend, really. If spies can have friends.”

Tony looked over at him. “You know, Phil was a friend to me and Pepper. Especially Pepper. I guess he warmed up to her a lot faster than he did most people. She’s like that. And just like Pepper, Phil never put up with my bullshit.” He shook his head. “I don’t have many friends but he was definitely one of them.”

Clint nodded. “Agent Coulson was a good friend to a lot of people.” He closed his eyes and breathed slowly, refusing to let his mask crack in front of anybody else. “Everybody thought he was a good man. He was an easy guy to be friends with-“

“Cut the crap,” Stark interrupted. “Natasha really did spill so you can stop it. There never was a cellist from Oregon was there?” he teased with a sad smile.

Clint glanced at him for only a second before looking ahead, chin up in defiance. He refused to be pitied. “Thought it was a funny one. You play a cello with a bow.”

Tony laughed and nodded. “It’s really funny, actually.” He looked down at his lap. “I may be a heartless bastard, but you have to know I’d have never just sprung it over the table like that if I knew- if I had any idea that he was- well, I guess I’m sorry,” he said softly. “For what it’s worth, nobody blames you for freaking out a little, okay?”

Clint swallowed hard. “How many people know if nobody’s going to ‘blame’ me?” he asked sharply.

Tony shook his head. “They know he was your handler, not the rest. Just me. Well, JARVIS overheard, but he overhears everything and doesn’t tell,” he added. “You’re… hiding it well. Nobody will notice. You can stay at the Tower since we sprung you from duty against orders. It’s the least I can do.”

Clint rolled his eyes. “Well aren’t you special. Being charitable to rejects and widowers. What’s next, orphans too?”

Tony shot him a look. “Well, seeing as several of us were orphaned, I think we still count, so yeah. Yeah I am going to be charitable to widowers and orphans because it’s what I fucking do. I get it, things REALLY suck for you right now,” he snapped. “But I’m trying to do something nice for you. It isn’t pity, it’s _decency_.” Clint shot him a look and Stark scoffed. “Yeah, I do have decency. So just accept my offer, don’t play the martyr, and use the privacy to suffer alone because it’s what we all do and nobody will judge you for it amongst us, Clint. We all have had fucked up lives and saving the world today was a high that comes with a HELL of a crash for all of us, but mostly for you, and trust me, nobody will fuck with you amongst us, okay?”

Clint smiled sadly, watching the way Stark’s eyes glistened. “Man, you did have a shitty day too, huh? Died technically, didn’t you?”

Stark snorted wetly. “Today really, really sucked, man. And the most fucked up part is none of us can say it was the worst day of our lives.”

Clint looked down. “I can,” he mumbled more to himself than anybody else.

He didn’t miss the sharp intake of breath before Stark fell silent for the rest of the ride.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The night they sent Loki off, Clint and Natasha were officially debriefed and put on leave pending full medical and psychiatric review so they headed back to Stark Tower. Tony had invited them to stick around while they were off rather than leave them wandering. Steve had gone back to his apartment, but Pepper and Bruce were both still at Stark’s apartment, utilizing what parts hadn’t been destroyed in the battle. They had a quiet dinner together before Pepper left to go get some sleep in preparation for the virtual shit storm she knew she’d face the next day.

Tony watched her go then sighed. “Well that’s going to suck,” he said, getting up to head over to the wet bar he seemed to have one of in nearly each room.

“What, Pepper’s press onslaught?” Natasha asked. “I remember that part of my cover with Stark Industries.”

Tony hummed. “Yeah, that will, but I was talking more the fact she’s leaving me,” he said, earning shocked looks from all of them. “Hasn’t said it yet. But I know it’s coming,” he said, shaking his head. “The whole ‘dying’ thing did it, I think,” he said as he poured himself a finger of scotch before taking the whole bottle to tuck under his arm. “Who wants what? Lemme guess, vodka, vodka, and bourbon?”

Clint chuckled. “Got a beer?” he asked instead.

Bruce shook his head. “Nothing for me.”

Natasha just smirked. “Got the good stuff? Or shitty American swill?” she asked and Tony grinned, bringing the bottle.

“Russian Standard, even has the real label on it,” he said, offering her the bottle as he sat down. “After watching you drink with Thor, you won’t need a glass, I’m sure.”

She grinned. “Still isn’t cold enough,” she said, taking a hearty swig. 

Tony went back and brought a beer for Clint, who thanked him with a not. “Not a lot of beers had around here, I must admit.”

Clint shrugged. “Don’t drink, really. Gotta stay sober for emergency calls usually so I don’t have the stomach for real booze. Didn’t even drink wine with dinner when we’d have a night off at the same ti-“ He stopped, eyes wide before looking down. “Tasha, wanna share?” he asked, holding out his hand.

Natasha gave him guarded look but handed over the bottle. “No emergency calls to worry about,” she said simply.

Bruce looked between them, clearly confused but with more tact than to question it. “So, you’re really Russian, Natasha?” he asked and she nodded.

“Once upon a time,” she confirmed. “Why don’t you drink?” she countered.

Bruce grimaced, then shrugged with a small smile. “Hard to enjoy the stuff that fueled your daily beatings as a child, you know?” he said, chuckling when Clint choked, eyes wide in shock. “What? You’re spies. I know you all know my entire life story. Between that and the fact you’ve all seen me naked, no reason to get bashful now.”

Tony smirked. “Yeah but with an ass like yours you have nothing to be ashamed of anyhow.” He finished his glass and poured more from his bottle. “What about you, Bruce? You Russian?” he joked and Bruce grinned.

“I speak Russian, but no. Not Russian. Totally American,” he said. “Even if I’m still getting used to English again.”

Clint raised an eyebrow. “What have you been speaking?”

Bruce chuckled. “Hindi-Urdu. Kind of a blended language. I can understand both Standard Hindi and Urdu, but I can only write the blended one. I’ve been in India for a long time.”

Tony hummed. “I remember Urdu. Sounds weird as hell.” 

Bruce glanced over. “Urdu?” he asked and Tony nodded.

“Pakistani terrorists,” he said simply and Bruce nodded.

“Yep, that’ll do it,” he said, leaning back against the couch. “Sorry guys, but I’m cashing out and heading to bed.” He stood up and waved as he left. “Don’t drink all night, Tony. Sleep so you can show me your particle accelerator tomorrow,” he called back, earning a fond smile from Tony.

Natasha raised an eyebrow. “Why does that sound like an innuendo?” she asked and Stark scoffed.

“For once the obvious innuendo isn’t one when I’m involved. Science takes precedence over sex any day,” he said, then sighed. “And, you know, my girlfriend’s dumping me tomorrow. Yay,” he grumbled.

Clint took another long drink from Natasha’s vodka bottle and looked down. “Well at least she’s still alive.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Clint hadn’t counted on Steve, Stark, and Pepper all getting invites to the memorial that Phil’s sister had put together. Natasha he expected, but not anybody else. He watched Jessie greeting Pepper with a polite, yet sincere set of air-kisses and a handshake and smiled. Pepper was so genuine. Stark had been right, she did leave him the day after he figured she would. They were still attached at the hip and Clint didn’t have details, but he could imagine how hard it would be on Pepper to run Stark Industries and date a man who nearly died on an almost regular basis. She was a strong, brave person but Clint knew she didn’t have what it took to live every day not knowing when your boyfriend would come home and if it would be in one piece. He was just glad they were still friends because he figured Stark would be insufferable without her in his life somehow.

Through the memorial ceremony, Clint remained as stoic as possible. He knew he had to look obnoxious wearing sunglasses inside, but it was necessary since he couldn’t possibly let anybody see his eyes growing red from fighting back tears. He wasn’t allowed to cry. He wasn’t allowed to grieve. Jessie wasn’t even allowed to mention him, even though they knew each other quite well, as part of Phil’s family. Natasha grabbed his wrist a few times, whether a warning or reassurance he wasn’t sure, but he was glad for her.

Once the ceremony had ended, they remained seated until the rest of the mourners- not a large group, just some cousins, aunts, uncles, and such- had filed out before Jessie sent her kids out with her husband and came over to Clint. He had hoped that Pepper, Steve, and Tony would leave before she came over, but he couldn’t blame her for not knowing his friends were out of the loop. He saw Natasha give Tony a look and nod for them to leave, but before they could do more than stand, Jessie had come right up to him, her face screwed up as she fought tears, and threw her arms around his neck.

Clint cursed silently, closing his eyes as he hugged her close. He’d always loved Jessie. She was the family member closest to Phil and one that he liked the most. “I’m so sorry,” she sobbed against his neck, shoulders shaking. “Oh God, Clint, I’m so terribly sorry.” She pulled back and pushed his sunglasses up on his head, touching his cheek. “I’m sure it wasn’t really a training exercise accident so I’m really, terribly sorry for whatever you went through,” she said, sniffling weakly.

Clint bit his lip and nodded, fighting harder than ever to hold back tears. “Thanks, Jess. I’m sorry I didn’t-“ His breath caught and he realized in a stroke of horror that he wasn’t going to hold it. As he watched a tear streak down her face, he knew he was going to lose it in front of his friends. He hated it but it was inescapable. “I didn’t- I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he finished weakly, voice cracking. “Jess, I’m so sorry. It was my fault,” he choked out, completely shocked at his own outburst. “Oh God it was, I caused everything-“

Jess shook her head, letting out a sob. “No! Clint,” she touched his cheek, shaking her head. “It wasn’t your fault. I’m sure it wasn’t. You would’ve been able to save him if you’d been there.” He shook his head, blinking through tears. She leaned their foreheads together. “You never let him down, okay? You couldn’t have. If you could’ve done anything, I know you. You would have. You did so much for him-“

“It wasn’t enough!” he choked out, shoulders shaking with repressed sobs. “Jess, it should’ve been me.” He gave a strangled sob and let go, shoulder’s heaving as they swayed and cried. “He wasn’t supposed to get involved. He got involved because of me. I can’t- you know I can’t explain but it’s my fault he got killed.”

Jess shushed him. “He did his job, Clint. You have broken orders so many times for him. You break orders every day for him. You know he’d never let you say it should’ve been you, okay?” He nodded and she sniffled, forcing a smile. “Don’t ever say that because he’d have never managed without you. You were the only thing he ever lied, defied orders, and hid from higher ups, you were more important than the job to him-“

“But I don’t know what to do either,” he spilled, closing his eyes. “Jessie, what do I do? Fuck the job, what am I supposed to do?” he asked in a broken whisper. “I had no heart before this, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without it anymore.”

Jessie shook her head and pulled him into a hug, shushing him and rubbing his back soothingly as he cried. “It’s okay. You’ll be okay.” She pulled back. “Hey, here. I got sidetracked,” she said, pressing something into his palm. “It’s the only thing they released to us but it’s what matters,” she whispered.

Clint opened his hand and fought back a pained sound, clapping his free hand over his mouth as he examined the ring on a chain that Phil had worn around his neck, under his suit, every single day. They couldn’t really wear wedding bands, Clint’s own was also on a chain but locked up back home in their safe. “What do I do, Jess?” he whispered, tears drying up as cold emptiness set in. “My husband is dead,” he muttered.

When a gasp sounded he looked up to see Pepper had been walking up to them as he spoke. She looked at him with wide eyes and a hand over her mouth. She glanced down at his hand then back, tears filling her eyes. “Oh God,” she breathed and he swallowed, nodding.

“No use trying to keep it secret now,” he said simply. He looked at the ring then pulled the chain on over his head, letting it fall to rest on his chest. He glanced past and saw Steve staring, looking really confused. “It’s legal some places this day and age, Cap. Totally legit and legal,” he said, then smiled sadly. “Well, it was.”

Pepper let out a whine and threw her arms around him, hugging him close. ‘Oh God, you never said- your _husband_?! Oh my God I’m so sorry, you cannot imagine.”

Clint chuckled, nodding. “Tony already made the obvious joke when he worked it out.” She pulled away looking confused. “You know, cellists and bows?”

She smiled, chuckling. “I bet Phil got a kick out of me asking about his mystery cellist then,” she said and Clint nodded, smiling a fragile smile.

“Phil loved you, Pepper. You were such a friend.” He swallowed and nodded. “Thank you for that. A lot of the times we were apart the longest were his assignments to Stark detail so you really helped keep him distracted. Thank you for being nice to him,” he whispered. “He deserved a friend like you.”

Pepper just shook her head. “Oh Clint,” she breathed, squeezing his hand. “I’m sorry.”

Clint nodded. “Me too.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Clint woke up and left the room he and Natasha were sharing until Natasha’s apartment- and wasn’t she surprised when Stark told her about that one- got fixed from all the damage it took during the invasion. He headed out into the kitchen, surprised to see Banner already there, having tea and reading something on a holo-tablet. “You’re up early,” Clint said and Bruce shrugged, offering him a smile.

“Slept a lot the last few days,” he said simply. “What’s your excuse?” he asked.

Clint shrugged. “Natasha curses in Russian in her sleep,” he said and Bruce grinned. “No, she doesn’t, I just… couldn’t sleep.”

Bruce glanced down at the ring resting against Clint’s bare chest and cringed. “Heard about that. I’m really sorry, Clint,” he said and Clint waved a hand.

“Just don’t. I’m so tired of sympathy,” he said softly, going to dig out something to eat. “It’s hard to take sympathy when you’re not supposed to feel anyways. It’s worse than suffering alone.”

Banner eyed his back curiously. “You’d really rather nobody have known? I thought everybody liked a little sympathy.”

Clint glanced back and shook his head. “Not when you’re trained in stoicism. Sympathy’s bad for me as a spy. I’m an assassin. It was never a good thing that I had a weakness. There’s a reason only Natasha and Director Fury even knew before this that I was married. Assassins don’t get married. We don’t get family and friends and emotions, you know? We are the job. We are robots. We’re trained to be tools of the machine. Toss in emotions and you get judgments.” He grinned ruefully. “I was defiant enough when I started out. Their training kind of sucked because I held onto the ‘me’ in there. Then, you know, I married my handler so it ended up being more loyal to him than SHIELD.” He sighed and turned back, sitting down at the other end of the table with milk and a box of cookies. “Sympathy will just prolong the process of shutting out emotions again.”

Bruce eyed him over his glasses. “So you don’t want sympathy because you’re supposed to turn yourself into Natasha now and sympathy will make that harder?”

Clint laughed. “Pretty much. Natasha’s a good agent. Given the word, I don’t doubt she’d slit any of our throats in a heartbeat. It’s what she’s good at. Emotion-free action. I used to be. Then I got to the point I started second-guessing orders. I’d see a mark and realize he was out with his family and I’d hesitate. I’d have trouble killing someone in front of their wife and kids, you know? Natasha would have no problem slitting all their throats, but I had family for the first time in my life and it made it harder.” He shook his head. “In the end, Fury redirected me to surveillance and security for Phil’s missions. He liked my skills and knew I wouldn’t hesitate on threats to situations that included my husband in the targets.”

Bruce raised an eyebrow. “And now that he’s gone you think Fury’s going to put you back on assassinations?”

Clint shrugged. “Probably.”

“So you need to lose the sympathy for others so you can shut yourself up again,” Bruce finished and Clint nodded.

“Yep. Basically.”

Banner chuckled and shook his head. “Fucking government agencies,” he mumbled to himself. He looked back to whatever he was reading. “You know, for the record, I’m not sure I wouldn’t rather be what I am than empty of all humanity.” He didn’t look up but Clint did. “At least with my ‘bad side’, my good side is still here, too. Even when I was suicidal, I’d have taken half-human, half-monster over being a machine any day. There’s a reason we have thoughts and feelings. We form judgments. We analyze situations in a way no robot or drone ever can. It’s humanity. Take that away and I’d honestly trust the Other Guy more.” He drained the rest of his tea and stood up. “I know it’s your job and I know it’s your life, so I retract my sympathy. But trust me, man. Pain is better than nothing. You mentioned Natasha.” He glanced down at Clint on his way past. “Think about her record and ask yourself if you want yours to look the same.” 

Clint was left staring at the empty doorway for a while after Bruce left, absolutely stunned and confused by the scientists words.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Clint hadn’t been cleared for missions.

Natasha had passed physical and psychiatric but Clint failed because of his nightmares during the sleep study. He shouted in his sleep and it wasn’t safe for him to go under cover and then scream in his sleep. Even on mission they had to sleep and in order to sleep on mission they had to be silent as the grave.

Clint stood in the training room on the rec floor and continuously shot arrows at the target set up at the other end of the room, more than terrified to admit he had missed twice. Not just missed a little off target, but on his arrow’s path through the ropes of the boxing ring, he’d hit the ropes on either side. He wasn’t sure if it was him or the bow but he was growing more and more fearful because he _never_ missed. Sure, it was only two arrows out of a few hundred so far that day, but it was more than he’d missed in years.

He just shook his head, grabbing some wax to wax the strings of his bow again.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
It had been a month since Phil was killed. Two months since the last time Clint went home. He had borrowed one of Stark’s cars- borrowed without asking, but still borrowed- and driven the entire way to D.C. to go to the apartment that he and Phil called ‘home’ while they were off mission. When he got there, he knew the car stood out greatly in front of their plain apartment building. He went up the stairs for once rather than coming in through the window and ran into their elderly neighbor who was too old to notice that, for an accountant and his photographer husband, Phil and Clint were rarely around.

“Hello there, Clinton!” she said with a smile, clearly coming in from walking her yappy little dog. “Haven’t seen you or Phillip in a long time,” she said and Clint’s heart clenched.

“Yeah, sorry about that, Mrs. Jessup,” he said then smiled sadly, pulling off his sunglasses. “I haven’t been back in a while.” He knew he had to tell her and he knew he’d get sympathy. He hated it. “Actually, there’s some… pretty bad news,” he said, swallowing hard. “Phil- Phil isn’t with us any longer. He- he passed away,” he said and she gasped, going pale. 

“Oh Clinton, I’m so sorry!” She shook her head. “Oh you poor thing, I’m sorry for bringing it up- oh and he was so young!”

“No, it’s okay,” he said, smiling sadly. “He- uh- had a heart condition,” he lied, grimacing.

She shook her head. “That poor thing. I never knew.”

Clint nodded. “Yeah, we didn’t either. Just dozed off at work and didn’t wake up again.”

She patted his elbow. “I’m so sorry, but at least you know he went peacefully.”

Clint swallowed hard and coughed. If only that were true. “Yeah, I’m just gonna-“ he nodded at his door and she let go.

“Of course! I’m so sorry, Clinton.” She smiled as she went to her door across from him. “Just know you can come over any time you need to talk, sweetie.”

Clint nodded, sliding his key into the lock before disappearing inside quickly. He shut the door, leaning back against it with a sigh, finally glad to be rid of the sympathy. He opened his eyes and was shocked to find he didn’t feel that sense of ‘home’ he’d had for years now. He looked around their simple, functional little apartment and realized that it was never what felt like home to begin with.

Clint swallowed hard and shook his head, shoving his keys in his pocket as he skipped everything, heading straight to the bedroom to get what he came for. Neither of them had many personal items at home. They spent most of their time working on SHIELD ops so their lives were mostly packed in duffel bags. There were a few photos of them made to look like they were a normal suburban couple sitting around, nice furniture that was rarely used, and some extra clothes hanging in the closets should anybody ever see them and get suspicious. However, the safe in the closet held the only things of importance. Phil had an extra gun, copies of their civilian papers (birth certificates, passports, and drivers’ licenses), their marriage license, Phil’s college diploma, and the thing Clint came for.

Clint opened the box that held his wedding band and swallowed. He took it out, removed it from its chain, and then took off the chain around his neck to put them both on it. He pressed his lips to Phil’s ring and dropped the chain back over his head. He planned on keeping the apartment just in case he needed it- it was paid off, so he didn’t have to worry about signing the requisition bills to SHIELD himself- so he didn’t take anything else. He closed the safe and sighed, spinning the dial once before standing up, leaving the closet.

As much as he said he was trying to move on, it was hard to help the warm memories popping up now that he was in their apartment. He looked at the bed and rather than the obvious, he thought about the time he’d broken his leg and had to stay on bed rest for a full month. Phil had taken leave and proceeded to work from home, sitting in bed next to him most of the day for the whole month. He hadn’t asked Phil to, Phil just had because he knew how bored Clint would be and nothing important was planned for that leave time he’d had building up anyway. Phil was like that. They were both always on the job, but Phil would find ways to twist the job to suit them whenever he could.

He left the room and stopped in the living room. When they had been working together a few months, Phil had found out that when he was on downtime or leave, Clint stayed in the SHIELD barracks. He had asked why he never went home and Clint had revealed he didn’t have one. The next time they both got downtime, Phil had offered Clint a couch to crash on so he could get away from SHIELD for a while and Clint had accepted. They hadn’t updated furniture since; they rarely even used the furniture, so the same couch he had slept on for days and sometimes weeks at a time when he was off was still right there. They had that arrangement for three entire years before they worked out their shit and got together.

He glanced into the kitchen, looking in at the always-empty refrigerator and canned-good-only filled pantry next to it, smiling when he remembered that the first time they had ever kissed had been while putting away groceries for three weeks of downtime that would require real food. They were pretty comfortable together in the apartment then; it had been three years of sharing downtime together a few times a year at that point, so they had a nice thing going. Phil had been handing Clint things to put either in the pantry or refrigerator. Every time Phil’s fingers brushed Clint’s, he flinched slightly. He’d long known there was attraction between them and it wasn’t often they touched other than on-mission life-saving acts. He had dropped a bag of flour when Phil’s fingers ‘accidentally’ caressed the inside of his wrist on the pass and they had stared at each other for what felt like hours before the tension snapped. Clint still to that day couldn’t remember who moved first, but the next thing he knew they were kissing, right there in the middle of the flour-covered kitchen. The exploding bag and left a layer of dust all over their faces and clothes. They had only managed to smear it all over themselves by the time they finished full-on making out against the counter.

Clint swallowed hard, even though he was smiling. That had been six years ago. They’d gotten married three years prior. It was nearing their third anniversary, he remembered with a painful throb in his chest. They had enjoyed six good years. Clint knew it was more than they could’ve had. They both nearly died several times. Six years together, three of them married, had to be a good record for SHIELD agents, if he was honest.

It didn’t make it hurt any less.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Clint was driving on the highway, blasting music on the radio with the top down when the music shut off, when suddenly Stark’s voice came out loud. “Barton, did you steal my car and drive to DC? What is in DC? And you’re coming back, so clearly you’re not running.”

Clint sighed, rolling his eyes. “I went to get something from home.”

There was a pause before Stark spoke again. “You live in DC? I didn’t think you lived anywhere.”

“Condo. Not there often but it’s our- it’s mine,” he corrected. “Just had to get something. I’m bringing your car back. Not like you can’t buy another with a snap of the fingers if I didn’t,” he argued.

“Just hurry back. Natasha heard something interesting back at Fury’s Flying Fortress and when I checked it out, we uncovered something you’ll definitely be interested in.”

Clint jerked, nearly running into the next lane. “Shit, there’s a hit out on me, isn’t there?” He cursed. “I knew it had been too long-“

“Chill out, Legolas. Just get back to the tower with my car in one piece and you’ll get the full story. Don’t freak out, okay?” Stark asked. “I build that engine myself, I like my inventions.”

Clint rolled his eyes. “Bite me, Stark.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Clint was accosted by Stark in the garage, shooed out of the car, and then promptly ignored as Stark made a show of ‘hugging’ his car. “Aww, it’s okay, baby. It’s okay, daddy’s here,” he cooed, doing what could only be considered fondling the wing mirror. Clint really worried about Stark sometimes.

“Right, so, if you two need a room-“

Stark stood up. “Right, yeah, big news!” He headed towards the elevator, Clint on his heels. “There’s good news and bad news,” he started as the express elevator rocketed up at a speed Clint was somewhat frightened of, having never seen an elevator zoom past numbers that fast. “Good news is that NO there isn’t a hit out on you, are you crazy? You’re one of SHIELD’s best assassins,” he said quite honestly for Tony Stark. “The bad news is there probably will be after you go on the murder spree this will send you on.” The elevator stopped and they exited onto the main lab floor. He saw Steve standing behind Bruce, who had three screens up and was talking to Natasha in one of them. “Alright, our non-feathered-despite-his-moniker friend is here!” he said eagerly, clapping his hands before standing beside Bruce, hand on his shoulder. 

He looked at them in confusion. “Nat? What’s going on?”

She shook her head, a grim expression on her face. “You’re not going to believe this. Whatever you do, don’t do something rash, okay?” she asked, before she moved, clearly typing something. “Alright, Bruce. Ready when you are.”

Bruce tapped the center screen. “Alright, we’re set. He has to see this himself,” he said. He paused and looked back. “Clint, this might be hard to watch, and I know this is going to seem cruel of us at first, but just hang in there, okay?”

Clint swallowed, but nodded. Natasha nodded. “Okay, watch the first few seconds, then Bruce is going to fast forward to about a minute later.” Her screen went black for a second and the video feed popped up on the center screen. It took Clint a second to realize that it was from a security camera in the helicarrier outside the Hulk cell. His throat went dry and his stomach dropped when he spotted Loki facing off with Phil. He had never heard the details. He hadn’t wanted to know. He saw Phil standing with a massive gun of some sort, only to jump and gasp when, out of nowhere, Loki materialized behind him, a shade of himself still in front of Phil. He shook his head, fighting the urge to cry out even though it was inevitable. He jerked and whimpered when he saw, for the first time, the footage of Loki stabbing his husband through the back, the blade coming out of his chest. Clint felt sick as he realized he had just witnessed his husband’s murder. 

“Why show me this?” he asked in a tight voice, feeling more than a little nauseated.

Bruce shook his head. “Just watch,” he said softly, spinning a dial on the touch screen until it fast forwarded through the cell falling, Phil blasting Loki even though he lay there dying, Fury running in and kneeling, medical teams running up, and Fury shaking his head and walking away. They all knew from memory or hearing about it later that Fury had announced over the comms that Phil was dead. It was what Clint knew had been the motivation for them to get it together while he was still recovering from Loki’s mind control. “This is where it changes,” Bruce said gently. “Just watch.”

Clint watched, a single tear slipping down his cheek as he watched his husband’s body being loaded onto a stretcher and carried out by the medical team. The screen went dark and Clint closed his eyes. “What made you think I needed to see this?” he hissed through clenched teeth.

“Clint, I know it’s hard but think about it,” Natasha’s voice said. He opened his eyes and her face was on the screen again. “The reason I looked into it is because somebody mentioned that the medical team that was sent down that day got re-assigned and nobody heard from them. I thought that was strange. Then when I asked around, nobody could remember checking Coulson off on the body-count.”

Bruce nodded. “And that’s when Tony and I hacked SHIELD for his file and found this-“ He threw something up on the screen to the right and zoomed in on the ‘Field Status- Inactive’ line of the file. 

Clint pressed his hands into his eyes. “What are you getting at? I’m really not okay with having all this forced on me again,” he argued, flushed with anger. “I could’ve lived my life not seeing my husband killed with my own eyes-“

“That’s what we’re getting at Clint, stop being stupid!” Natasha snapped. “Since when is a file not updated to ‘deceased’ when somebody’s killed? And Phil wasn’t ‘inactive’ before the Invasion. He was as high in the ranks as he’d ever been, far from ‘inactive’.”

Bruce nodded. “And medical loaded him onto a stretcher and took him out. Why not leave him there and bring back a body bag later when they’d finished helping the wounded?”

A wave of dizziness washed over Clint as it clicked. What they were trying to tell him wasn’t possible. “Wait, are you saying-“ He shook his head. “No, it’s just a glitch in the filing system-“

Bruce continued without him stopping. “Then we found this.” He pressed a key and a new file came up on the center screen. Clint leaned closer, hands on the back of Bruce’s chair as he braced himself, knees weakening. 

_S.H.I.E.L.D patient #462477: P. Coulson_

The entry for today’s date was what sealed it for him, though. _Last Update: 12:33PM_

Clint’s hand shook and he swallowed hard. “He- He’s- I don’t-“

Natasha smiled. “Looks like we were lied to. Coulson isn’t dead; he’s in a S.H.I.E.L.D secure medical facility in Maine. He was in a coma for almost the whole month. He only woke up four days ago.”

Clint looked up, jaw clenched. “Nick Fury is a dead man,” he growled, turning on his heel, only to have Steve and Tony both catch his arms and tug him back. “Let go, I’m going to kill that son of a bitch-“

“Yeah like _that’s_ going to get you to see your husband,” Tony said. “Look, Barton, you’ll be taken out in a heartbeat. I know you’re pissed- we all are seriously pissed- but I have a better idea.”

Clint eyed him in disbelief. “Yeah?”

Natasha cleared her throat. “In two hours Bruce and I are going to set viruses loose on the helicarrier and the headquarters to make all systems go into shutdown temporarily. We’re on the water for another day so no worries here.”

Bruce nodded, grinning. “That’ll keep them running around chasing their tails long enough for you and Tony to break into the place in Maine and get you in to see your husband,” he said and Clint swallowed, looking around at the men around him. Bruce smirked. “Go on, say it, I’m a genius, huh?”

Tony chuckled. “You’re stealing my lines, Big Guy,” he said, then nodded. “But it was his idea,” he admitted. “I’ve got a jet, you can fly it, and Cap can come along as extra muscle since this is a non-suited endeavor for me. I’ll have the case with me but I should be fine on my own, just picking a few locks.”

Clint shook his head in disbelief. “Why?” he asked, looking at the screen. “Nat, did you threaten them?”

She shook her head with a smile. “I think they’re freaked out by the prospect of housing an angry super spy so they’re doing what they can to help you.”

Steve just grinned. “It’s what friends are for, right? We care about you so we’re going to help.”

Tony made a face. “Ew, sappy.” He shrugged. “I just wanna break in and see Agent. I don’t like many people but I like him and if he isn’t dead, that’s a cause for a party in my eyes.”

Clint nodded. “Thanks, guys. Really.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
With the systems down and everybody frantic, it was quite easy to simply walk in the doors and let Steve distract the nurses at the nurses’ station by pretending to be lost while Clint and Tony surreptitiously passed down the hall unnoticed, heading towards the room highlighted on the map Tony had pulled up on his tablet.

“Just so you know, we won’t have but about twenty-minutes before we have to take off or they know we’re here,” Stark said as they rounded a corner, trying to act like they belonged there so they didn’t get caught.

Clint scoffed. “You can go, I fully intend on letting them catch me. I’ve got some complaints to do about the fact that Director Fury not only made us all think Phil was dead, but did so just to motivate us. Finding out my husband hasn’t been dead for the last month has motivated me to put an arrow in his eye socket.”

Tony nodded. “He knew, didn’t he? That you guys were married?”

Clint nodded, jaw clenched. “Only him, a few other higher-ups, and Natasha. And Phil’s family, but they don’t know we’re spies. Well, Jessie does. Jessie worked it out, but the rest of them believe our cover.”

Tony snickered. “What is your cover? And how do you have a cover, you’re on the news all the time!”

Clint grinned. “I’m a photographer and he’s an accountant. All the suits give that idea, you know?” He shrugged. “They never get close-ups on my face.” He snorted. “Probably going to have to move now, though. Our neighbor thinks Phil had a heart attack at work,” he admitted.

Tony just chuckled. “Accounting is a stressful job, huh?” He stopped at a door then glanced at Clint. “This is it.”

Clint took a breath and nodded. “Can I…” He trailed off but Tony nodded.

“Take it alone at first. I’ll keep watch for you.”

Clint smiled and nodded. “Thanks, Stark. You’re a good friend, shockingly.”

Tony gave him an offended look, though it was mostly feigned. Clint pushed the door open and took a deep breath before stepping in, letting the door shut quietly behind him. He lifted his head and his heart stopped.

Lying there, asleep in a hospital bed, fully alive judging by the heart monitor beside him, was his husband. Clint bit back a smile before tiptoeing closer, careful not to wake him. He came around the bed to the side free of heart monitors, and eyed Phil’s face, taking in how pale and ill he still looked. He couldn’t see his chest for the hospital gown in the way but he could only imagine it was pretty messed up still. The way he saw that blade pierce through his entire body was a wound he couldn’t imagine anybody surviving. He could only imagine how much pain Phil had suffered. He silently picked up the chair beside the bed and spun it around, straddling the back so he could rest his arms on the back and prop his chin, smiling like an idiot because he was watching his husband sleep.

The same one he thought was dead a few hours ago. The one he’d mourned in silence for so long. The man he had spent the last nine years of his life working, living, and sharing a life with. He couldn’t completely muffle a disbelieving laugh of joy, slapping a hand over his mouth when Phil shifted at the sound, heart rate changing on the monitor past his shoulder. He opened his eyes then immediately turned his head, jumping slightly when he noticed someone next to him. He frowned, blinking away sleep. “Clint?”

Clint’s breath caught when he heard his husband’s voice for the first time after he thought he’d never hear it again. “Hey, boss,” he said, reaching out to touch his arm, almost afraid he’d disappear. “How are you?” he breathed, fighting an awe filled smile.

Phil smiled tiredly. “Alive.” He yawned, then groaned softly, hand going to his chest. “What are you doing here? They told me when I asked that you were on an extended op somewhere. Dead silent under. I don’t think you’d finish up a deep under operation in just two weeks.” He looked at him closer. “Why are you smiling like that?” he asked, looking at the full on giddy look on Clint’s face.

Clint just shook his head, running his hands through his short hair as he sat back. “You’re alive, Phil. My God, you’re really alive, it’s the most amazing thing.”

Phil frowned. “Of course I’m alive. Why would I have died in the past two weeks-“

Clint shook his head. “No, Phil. Whatever they told you… no way.” He sobered up. “Fury told everybody you were dead. I missed the memo until after the battle when Stark let it slip. When I got picked up, I may have shouted at him, too. Tasha and I both got put on leave until we were cleared. Stark figured it out that we were married and I think he took pity on me because he let me stay with him even after Natasha was sent back.” He pulled the rings out of his shirt, holding up the chain. “Your sister got your ring back and gave it to me at the memorial. I failed clearance so I definitely haven’t been on any missions.”

Phil just stared. “You mean they told my sister I’m dead but didn’t bother telling me that they did?” Clint shook his head. Phil groaned. “Damn it. That’s going to be traumatic for her.” He shook his head. “Wait, it’s been a month. Why haven’t you been cleared yet?”

Clint cringed. “Nightmares. Can’t put me in the field if I’m going to shout in my sleep and give up my position.” He bit his lip, reaching out to grab Phil’s hand. “I didn’t know until three hours ago that you were alive, Phil.”

Phil shook his head. “Clint, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry they did that to you. I hate to think how long they’d have kept it up just to think of a better lie to cover their asses.”

Clint snorted. “Probably planned to tell you I’d died on that ‘mission’ and reassign you.” He snorted. “Bastards.” He sighed and stood up, shoving his chair out of the way so he could come closer, pulling Phil’s hand to his lips. “So, what do they say you’re in for as far as recovery time?” he asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Phil cringed slightly as she shifted so he could look up at Clint better. “Well, brain damage has healed, and external stuff has. It’s bones left. My spine was missed, just off center, but five ribs in the back were totally sheered from the spine and my sternum was shattered. They’re all grafted together, but I can feel it even through the pain meds when I shift. I shouldn’t have survived,” he said softly.

Clint nodded. “I didn’t have details until today.” He shuddered. “Natasha found the surveillance camera footage and saw they took you off on a stretcher, not in a body bag, she figured I needed to see that.”

Phil looked horrified. “You had to see it?”

Clint nodded, swallowing hard. “I thought I’d been made to watch my husband’s murder, they didn’t break the ‘he didn’t die’ part until a minute or two later.” He smiled and shook his head. “You’re alive though. That’s what matters.”

Phil nodded. “I’m gonna be laid up for a while though. We’re talking another month before I’m out of here, then at least one month of PT before I’m allowed to get back to a desk. Six months total before I’m back in the field. Minimum.”

Clint cringed. “Assuming they don’t bench me, that’s a lot of missions without you,” he said softly. He leaned down and pressed their foreheads together. “You’re alive, though. So that’s worth it.”

Phil smiled. “Sure? I bet you could meet a hell of a nice guy out there without me in the way,” he teased and Clint shook his head minutely. “Don’t mind sticking around waiting on me then?”

Clint just giggled. “You’re _alive_ ,” he whispered gleefully.

Just then the alarm went off and they jumped. Clint looked around and Phil groaned. “You broke in here, didn’t you?”

Clint smirked. “Let them get me,” he said, looking down to touch Phil’s cheek. “Nothing could fuck with me today,” he whispered, leaning in.

Phil smiled contentedly. “Oh yeah?”

Clint nodded. “Yeah,” he whispered as their lips met in a slow, tender kiss that gave as much of an answer as words ever did.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks guys!


End file.
